SAY NO MORE: RECOVERY SPEAKS 
FOR ITSELF

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she just wants to be loved

Posted by Sis. Kalipso on December 8, 2012 at 10:50 AM

SHE SAID,’I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED’

The only time she felt like she was being discarded was after a date when her companion started fidgeting and acting like he had somewhere else to be. The other times are after she sleeps with him knowing he DOES have somewhere else to be. She had a very lonely spirit that was clouded with the ghosts of sexual assault and deviancy. She cried at night when her thoughts bombard her with ‘you are not worthy’, ‘you will always be a slut’, and how could you let him do this to you again. She tells her counselor things that she believes he needs to hear, in order to water down the helping relationship. Then has the nerve to feel disappointment when she gets watered down results or none at all. She in turn tells herself things that she needs to hear that will overrule the sense of shame and guilt that accompanies every clandestine rendezvous with yet another undeserving chap.

 

Oh fix me she breathes

Oh sex me she heaves

Under the crushing weight of her own instant gratification

Oh help me,

Not to continue down this path. she believes that the path is laid by others not self. She knows that it is beset on both sides by her own dishonesty and the lust’s of immature men. She knows that she can taste the rainbow of self-pity that leads her down the path. She knows that she owes her very life to the last sexual encounter that made her toes curl and her test results positive. Be that as it may, she can run trot or walk to the nearest mardel’s store and buy the latest inspirational hardback to lift the weight off of her shoulders.

Oh design me a compartment she draws ragged breath

Oh carve me a space with which to fill with faded pictures.

Oh dangle yourself just out of my reach like to soft peach

Oh teach me the course of self-sacrifice.

 

She offered herself to be trained in the wickedness of industrial prostitution. She gave herself over to be proven unsuitable for sale. The date was looming, the charge was how to groom and loom over the ones that would take her and leave her with wet sheets and nothing else.

She said. I just want to be loved. Does that include hugged and kissed on a regular basis? Does that mean not being mean sometimes? Does that mean having positive things to say about me all the time? Just want to be can mean anything. It can mean that I really have no clue about what I want, yet I want someone to already know.

 

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